So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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