the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
