Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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