This dress was meant to end up on your floor
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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