i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
