i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
