i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
