Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We're too hungover to prance.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
