look no pants
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
