he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
