I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
