Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
