She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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