She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We are all done wearing pants today
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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