My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
