my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
