I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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