Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
