Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
