Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
