____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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