Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Drunk is not a location!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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