A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
