i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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