tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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