I met the friendliest cop last night
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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