I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
