That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
