Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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