tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
