I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
