$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
