I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
