If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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