mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
