I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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