There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
