i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
