so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
