I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
