life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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