Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Found your dick twin last night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
