woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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