I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
