My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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