Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at

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(314): View more from Missouri

Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(407): View more from Florida

Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park

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(303): View more from Colorado

If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?

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