before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
