On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
