im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
