If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
